Updated: May 9
Abortion stole more than my baby.
It stole my voice when it brought grief and guilt. Grief and guilt are toxic together; they don't mix. To grieve the loss of a child that I allowed to be taken from me and to be completely guilty because that same loss left me with no defense.
It stole my heart. A hard callus formed around it- no emotions in or out. I couldn't "feel" anything, and I became harsh and critical on every level for a long time.
It stole my innocence. I am, and forever will be, guilty.
My identity is also now and always will be a post-abortion mom, I am serving a "life sentence". Even though I am forgiven and am truly remorseful for what I did, the sentence is not over and I don't know that it will be on this side of heaven.
My abilities were paralyzed. The ability to be with friends or any other relationships in my life became a control issue. Control was an issue with family, friends, and even the love of my life. Intimacy and physical touch caused me to repel- to hold back. To this day, I still don't understand why.
Like a sheep wandering without a shepherd, I was so lost. I can't ever get back what was stolen; I can never fill the void or fix what was broken.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..."
That's where God met me.
Broken, lost, and searching for a cure to my emptiness.
I was dying-dying to myself while seeking God to fill what only he could.