All Stop
Taking time to breathe is what the Lord has been impressing on my heart for the past few months. My father passed away some years back and I wasn't really aware of how much grief I was carrying around for these past years. They hit me all at once, and life came to an All Stop.
My father and I were very close and I am a daddy's girls. My daddy and I were of the same mind, we thought the same way so he really understood me in a way that no other human being on Earth did. Even today I know what he would say to me in any given situation. The fight to keep the grief from rising up finally wore me down and left me feeling paralyzed. I did everything I could do just to keep up with day to day responsibilities and even then I wasn't giving it my best. Just trying to breathe through the tears of the unknown. I really loathe crying and that is all I wanted to do, cry. I mean, what is sadder than just feeling sad? I felt alone and forsaken. Everyone wanted to tell me I was fine, but when the depression hit, I learned quickly that is the worst thing a person can say.
I am so thankful that my father wasn't here to see the pandemic and experience all the lock downs which only enhanced my grief and anxiety. The inability to control my day to day activities as the shutdowns continued left me feeling lost with anxiety and depression. I was left to face the grief over the loss of my dad, and emotions that I don't handle well, and was now losing control over the sinking depression that my world was coming to a stop and I had no control over it.
Keeping my mental health in tact had become increasingly difficult to bear and I had to reach out for help. Now months later, I am coming out of the fog, and trying to find my new normal with the world in the state it is in, has met me with a new set of challenges. I was free to roam around the country and travel to other countries before, and now I am not. The constraints of policies and a new sets of rules find me feeling safer to just stay home and avoid going out all together. Even going to church had become more challenging than I could navigate. I questioned whether the enemy had won, but my heart knows that is not true.
“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31 NKJV)
As I wait on the Lord to renew my heart and spirit in a new light and to reveal to me that which He is asking from me as I enter into this new journey as I walk along side of Him, I am quietly waiting and filling my cup with His word, love, grace, and mercy. The Lord is washing over me a new perspective of life and of his glories.
We know that one day Jesus will return and many are wondering if we are at that stage. I don't know, it is exciting to think that He may be, but I know that this world will get harder than it is now before He does return. So, whatever we are going through now, we must always remember it can and someday will be harder, so we must hold down the fort and keep the faith.