The disappointment to myself and to my family was Earth shattering. Even as a Christian, I was in disbelief that God had allowed this to be a part of my life. My faith was in danger, and my relationship with the Lord had become impossible to maneuver. I hid from God; I could not face what He had allowed in my life. My trust was wavering.
A crisis pregnancy was not well supported when I needed intervention; there was no one to talk to or to get advice from. Most people didn't talk openly about unplanned pregnancies. There was no internet or information about choices or the long term effects of an abortion.
Today, we have all kinds of interventions for various kinds of struggles- alcohol, drugs, suicide, mental health, and so on, but we still do not have a good plan for a crisis pregnancy.
I was isolated and alone. When I was in a crowd of people, even friends, I still felt so alone on the inside. My parents had no idea I was dying on the inside. The guilt, grief, and shame were more than I could bear, and I lost the ability to speak up and say no. I was filled with grief and guilt that led me into a state of depression and anxiety. I believe if we studied this topic deeper in regards to its relation to mental health, we would see that most post abortion moms suffer from metal illness and depression.
I didn't make the appointment; I didn't choose the date. The clinic was plain- there were no pictures on the wall, and the chairs were uncomfortable. The staff was as cold as the building. There were no smiles on anyone's faces; no one asked me if I was okay or how I was feeling. When I went back for the ultrasound, I asked the nurse if it was a boy or girl; she responded harshly with "Why do you want to know?" I didn't say another word that day or any other day for a long time.
The one hope I hold onto is knowing that when I forsook my child, God was there to receive them; He alone knows if it's a boy or girl. I didn't know the Lord then like I do now. God began to seek me. He knew I would need him to rescue me from all my hurt and sadness.
Part 3 on October 21, 2020