In an effort to carry on with life, I attempted to engage with friends and everyday activities. I was only going through the motions; I was numb- even when I was with people, I was completely alone on the inside. No one could relate to how I was feeling or not feeling.
The Lord sent a very nice gentleman who had also been in a crisis pregnancy; they had chosen life! The baby was balm to my wounded heart; Jeff and I married quickly. I loved caring for Daniel, but I still wanted my own baby with every beat of my heart. That's when heartbreak struck again. It was difficult to get pregnant, and if I did get pregnant, I would miscarry. Every negative test or miscarriage took me back to that dark day.
In an effort to cope with depression and anxiety, I began smoking and eating. It made those unbearable failures easier to face. This wasn't just affecting me; my husband wanted more children too. In desperation, one night while I was all alone, I got on my knees and I prayed. With every ounce of my heart, I told God if he would give me a child of my own, I would quit smoking, go back to church, and live life right. God heard my cry, and the vow was sealed.
God sent a gift: withing weeks of my prayer, I was pregnant. I bore a son after years of longing in my marriage. Had forgiveness come? Was this child going to fill the void and wipe away my tears? He put the joy back into my heart that had long been stolen. I was over the moon in love. I held him so tight and loved him deeply. He was mine- all mine. I didn't want him to grow up or to leave me.
But, the battle of shame and guilt would soon return; the miscarriages would return and would continue for fifteen more years. I would eventually need a hysterectomy for complications that were causing me to be very sick. My faith was under attack yet again, and, of course, it took me right back to that dark day; all the guilt and shame returned, and so did the heartache.
Part 4 on October 28, 2020